This will be a compilation of unrelated thoughts that have streamed through my brain in the past 24 hours:
- my headphones won’t connect to my new phone and I am really sad.
- I am feeling panicked again that we will move too fast when you get here and everything will explode in a month. Are you going to let me be confused and slow and scared? Can you handle that, honestly?
- I vacillate between feeling like I want to jump on you and never let you go, and worrying about the institution of marriage altogether. Am I even meant for that kind of life? Maybe that is what was wrong the first time.
- Is monogamy really possible? Like healthy monogamy? Where there isn’t lies and tension and angst underpinning every other god damn interaction? Where both people want to be there? Everyday?
- What if your real soul mate is hiding just around the corner?
- I am really really afraid of being pregnant again, it has been so brutal, I feel like I will just crumble into dust. Even though I imagine it with you, and have for a year now… as being a different sort of thing. Still, that is making a huge bet on the sustainability of our union. And of our love for / interest in each other.
- Please hear me when I say this: I will literally not survive being a single mother of four.
- Not. Survive.
- I feel like an asshole on so many fronts. Feeling like a victim is way more satisfying.
- Thank you for letting me be this. The ball of tangled earbuds at the bottom of my purse. Covered with gum and Cheerio dust.
I don’t remember if I ever actually ever sent you this, but I used to listen to it on repeat and think of you. It is kind of shocking to realize how many things I thought I said out loud to you, that in fact have just lived inside of my head only, this whole time: