Something that evokes Neil Young, I could get on board with, I think. Maybe.
(👆🏼Just to further confuse you.)
This will be a compilation of unrelated thoughts that have streamed through my brain in the past 24 hours:
- my headphones won’t connect to my new phone and I am really sad.
- I am feeling panicked again that we will move too fast when you get here and everything will explode in a month. Are you going to let me be confused and slow and scared? Can you handle that, honestly?
- I vacillate between feeling like I want to jump on you and never let you go, and worrying about the institution of marriage altogether. Am I even meant for that kind of life? Maybe that is what was wrong the first time.
- Is monogamy really possible? Like healthy monogamy? Where there isn’t lies and tension and angst underpinning every other god damn interaction? Where both people want to be there? Everyday?
- What if your real soul mate is hiding just around the corner?
- I am really really afraid of being pregnant again, it has been so brutal, I feel like I will just crumble into dust. Even though I imagine it with you, and have for a year now… as being a different sort of thing. Still, that is making a huge bet on the sustainability of our union. And of our love for / interest in each other.
- Please hear me when I say this: I will literally not survive being a single mother of four.
- Not. Survive.
- I feel like an asshole on so many fronts. Feeling like a victim is way more satisfying.
- Thank you for letting me be this. The ball of tangled earbuds at the bottom of my purse. Covered with gum and Cheerio dust.
I don’t remember if I ever actually ever sent you this, but I used to listen to it on repeat and think of you. It is kind of shocking to realize how many things I thought I said out loud to you, that in fact have just lived inside of my head only, this whole time:
That clip was pretty perfect. And to think this whole time I thought I was the romantic one.
I can’t think of a movie that shaped my view of love or sex or romance. like nothing comes to mind.
I did, however, think this song was very sexy as a fourth grader:
I also watched a few James Bond love scenes repeatedly:
Honestly, though, it was probably watching Straw Dogs as a young adult that did the most “damage”… as in, I think you have to sign in and prove your age to watch this:
Have you seen this movie? Dustin Hoffman? Non-consensual sex? What else is there, really?
What did I say to other people about you having a trust fund?
Did you read every thing in my phone?
Did you look through my internet history?
What about my i-phone notes?
I know you are a hard worker. I would like to look you in the eyes right now and tell you that without blinking.
I’m sorry that I didn’t trust you and I’m sorry I said those things.
I have never asked you about your past, sexually speaking. I thought it was a reasonable question, after three years.
Thanks for the info.
have you slept with? Men?