“The juice is to be in between, not far enough away to lose you, not close enough to risk being seen.”
divorce affords more self respect than forgiveness
Words are like buckets:
they empty and they
fill with meaning
“suicide is the
last triumph of the ego
to make the world wrong”
“He regarded me with the disdaining superior air of a combat veteran”
– from White Noise
“I call people rich who can meet the requirements of their imagination.”
– from portrait of a lady
“Integrity is a neutral value.
Hyenas have integrity,
they are 100% pure hyena.”
– J. Franzen, Freedom
“take care of freedom and the truth will take care of itself”
I am reminded today of this quote. In the context of you and I, and our uncertain future(s), I find these words helpful and hopefully a little bit comforting to both of us.
When I ask for space, I am equating space with freedom as it is used here. I cannot give you the truth that you keep asking for until I am given the freedom to discern what that truth is, as it grows organically in the space we allow it to flourish.
If the truth really does set us free, and I believe that it does, then allowing space for truth should not induce panic or fear, but instead peace and faith and maybe even hope.
In order to get that sort of clarity, I need to have a space that is separate from your space. I believe that you mean what you say, but I need to pull back and carefully move forward in a way that feels uncoerced and sustainable and stable. When you say “we will end up in the back of a van together because we can’t say no to each other”, you are right, but that fact does not magically change the existing fact that I need space from you in order to move forward wholeheartedly, in one direction or the other.
It seems that there are two options then, assuming you want to give me the space I am asking for, and I know that you do:
a) you should stay in Reno for the time being, or
b) sincerely plan on willing up enough control over your body and mind to not interact with me until I am ready to interact.
And, if at the end of my ‘space-time’, I determine I cannot wholeheartedly embrace a new relationship with you, that you will be able to continue to give me that space.
It is too hard to think clearly as things stand today. I need freedom to make a genuine, objective decision.
Also, importantly, I very much want to respect you and your heart. I know I also run the risk of losing you, and our dreamy, hypothetical life together, by asking for this space. I cringe at the thought of losing you, but I also know that wanting to possess another person is not a good enough reason on its own to enter into a forever relationship. I think you would agree.
This is all I got at the moment. I love you. This is awful. But we will both be ok as long as we each stay in our truth,
“The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.”
– Bertrand Russell
“Everything’s a thing”
“Sister sad eyes, what brings you here today”
“This is getting weird, I never should have signed over the pink slip to my Volvo”
“Mom the Parmesan looks just like baby flies.” – clem
“The less my hope the hotter my love” -Terence the roman poet
“Love is sex without the money shot”