dialogue

honesty #10

Thanks for being the stronger person last night. And giving up sex in the moment for my future mental health.

Some context for my answers to the LQ: I am glad you are here. I want to lean into this month, no question. I also think it is important for everyone that we maintain our lives separately in some respect (houses, etc.) so that it builds slowly, as it should, and no matter the outcome, that we are all okay (including the children).

Thanks so much for the booster seat. Truly.

Just FYI, I don’t necessarily want to be a stay at home mom in our hypothetical future. Ideally, I want to work part-time, at least, forever. What I learned from my first marriage was that the best co-parents BOTH work some and caretake some. So that everyone is giving and taking equally-ish. And resentments regarding kid-work imbalances don’t brew and build up into anger volcanos.

 

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dialogue, lists

The Liz Quiz

When making a decision, ask yourself…

  1. What does your body say? my body wants sex.
  2. What does your mind say? my mind wants sex, but is hesitant to jump into sex.
  3. What does your conscience say? my conscience says I should navigate October carefully, non-committally, prioritizing integrity over desire. I also don’t want to confuse the kids, and therefore should probably not have you (or anyone, obviously) in my bed until I have a clean conscience about doing so.
  4. Is this a want or a need? this is a want.
  5. Does it have to be Nick, or could it be anyone? sex could be anyone, technically, but I am specifically imagining sex with you, and your hairy chest, and your eyes on me.

I hope you found this informative.

Thank you for this template.

JesseandJane

Now get to work on our script.

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dialogue

honesty #8

This will be a compilation of unrelated thoughts that have streamed through my brain in the past 24 hours:

  • my headphones won’t connect to my new phone and I am really sad.
  • I am feeling panicked again that we will move too fast when you get here and everything will explode in a month. Are you going to let me be confused and slow and scared? Can you handle that, honestly?
  • I vacillate between feeling like I want to jump on you and never let you go, and worrying about the institution of marriage altogether. Am I even meant for that kind of life? Maybe that is what was wrong the first time.
  • Is monogamy really possible? Like healthy monogamy? Where there isn’t lies and tension and angst underpinning every other god damn interaction? Where both people want to be there? Everyday?
  • What if your real soul mate is hiding just around the corner?
  • I am really really afraid of being pregnant again, it has been so brutal, I feel like I will just crumble into dust. Even though I imagine it with you, and have for a year now… as being a different sort of thing. Still, that is making a huge bet on the sustainability of our union. And of our love for / interest in each other.
  • Please hear me when I say this: I will literally not survive being a single mother of four.
  • Not. Survive.
  • I feel like an asshole on so many fronts. Feeling like a victim is way more satisfying.
  • Thank you for letting me be this. The ball of tangled earbuds at the bottom of my purse. Covered with gum and Cheerio dust.

….

I don’t remember if I ever actually ever sent you this, but I used to listen to it on repeat and think of you. It is kind of shocking to realize how many things I thought I said out loud to you, that in fact have just lived inside of my head only, this whole time:

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