dialogue

honesty #8

This will be a compilation of unrelated thoughts that have streamed through my brain in the past 24 hours:

  • my headphones won’t connect to my new phone and I am really sad.
  • I am feeling panicked again that we will move too fast when you get here and everything will explode in a month. Are you going to let me be confused and slow and scared? Can you handle that, honestly?
  • I vacillate between feeling like I want to jump on you and never let you go, and worrying about the institution of marriage altogether. Am I even meant for that kind of life? Maybe that is what was wrong the first time.
  • Is monogamy really possible? Like healthy monogamy? Where there isn’t lies and tension and angst underpinning every other god damn interaction? Where both people want to be there? Everyday?
  • What if your real soul mate is hiding just around the corner?
  • I am really really afraid of being pregnant again, it has been so brutal, I feel like I will just crumble into dust. Even though I imagine it with you, and have for a year now… as being a different sort of thing. Still, that is making a huge bet on the sustainability of our union. And of our love for / interest in each other.
  • Please hear me when I say this: I will literally not survive being a single mother of four.
  • Not. Survive.
  • I feel like an asshole on so many fronts. Feeling like a victim is way more satisfying.
  • Thank you for letting me be this. The┬áball of tangled earbuds at the bottom of my purse. Covered with gum and Cheerio dust.

….

I don’t remember if I ever actually ever sent you this, but I used to listen to it on repeat and think of you. It is kind of shocking to realize how many things I thought I said out loud to you, that in fact have just lived inside of my head only, this whole time:

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dialogue

honesty #5

……

I suppose this is my equivalent. I sent it to you once. I don’t know if this is a wedding song though. I never imagined getting married in a normal venue. But that is neither here nor there.

I posted that picture like 3 years ago and that was the caption. “Moody blue eyes”. So I responded “moody blue eyes” to anyone who responded to that story. That is just how I refer to myself as a child. Because I have blue eyes and was always moody.

I am sorry you had to read those. You now know all of my weak points. All of the vulnerabilities that lead to bad decisions. I should have been more upfront with you all along, over the past year, when I was hurt or anxious. And once it started to disintegrate, at least in my head, I should have been more upfront about having feelings for another person, before I wanted to jump ship, so that we could have worked on things first. I tried. But I know I failed. Half truths are not truths.

Conversations sounded familiar to you — although I want to note that I do not agree with this statement — because I started talking to him right after having talked to you for over three years. Haven’t you ever had a rebound? It’s like part of you is trying to recreate what you lost. Even though that is impossible.

If we ever have sex again, can you reenact how you look in this picture, when we do it, please? At some point? Complete with your chest out and that side grin thing you do.

You are a beautiful creature.

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